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Rebeka Bergin

On Life, Loss, My Absence and The Future

If you follow my blog you will have noticed that I've been absent for a few months now. I haven't given up, I've just been going through a really challenging time in my life. While I've announced this on my social media channels, I thought I'd explain my absence here on the blog.

In July I had started my usual summer job at a school uniform shop which kept me pretty busy anyway, but on top of that, we had news that my beautiful mum was getting sicker.

My mum had been battling breast cancer for a few years, for a period of time she was in remission and despite the lasting effects of her treatments she had a real lust for life. My mum was without a doubt the strongest, most independent woman I will ever know. But around August last year she started to feel ill again and after many tests and scans we found out that the cancer had returned and spread to her stomach, bladder and bones.

I just couldn't believe it. We knew that the cancer was likely to return, doctors had told us this because it had spread to her lynphnodes, but I never expected it to be so soon and to come back with the vengeance that it did. My mum who had been a robust, independent woman who did everything for herself (memories of her moving furniture around the house come to mind) was reduced to eating a diet of liquid foods and not being able to walk without the aid of a stick. Even still, she went through another round of chemotherapy and things were looking up again. Sadly, this was short lived.

A few months after her chemotherapy she strated vomitting again and another symptom arrived in the form of intense headaches and seizures. Originally it was thought that this could be a result of the medication she was on but unfortunately after going into hospital for tests it was finally discovered that it was spreading to her brain. Our spirits weren't dampened however, the doctors had a plan to shrink it with 10 rounds of radiotherapy. Never did we expect that she'd pass 3 weeks after going into hospital and after only one radiotherapy session.

When I got the phone call on August 21st that my beautiful mother had passed in the night I didn't know how to act, feel or what to say. I knew one day this horrible diease would take her but I wasn't prepared for it to be now. We had hope that with the radiotherapy treatment she may have another few years...she had weeks. I still can't understand it fully.

My heart is broken and my mind a little too, but I know that life must go on. I know that if my mother saw me now, laying in bed doing nothing but watch TV she'd tell me to get up, get dessed and live. After all, while I still have my life isn't it selfish of me not to live it?

So this is my return (although a sad return) to blogging and a sense of normality. I'm going to look to the future. I'm going to write, get healthy in mind and body, finish my course and become a nutrition consultant. I'm going to live life with the passion and strength that my mum lived hers.

Rest in peace my angel, I love you infinitely.

mum

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Read: Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier